I am here, yet I am not here. I am present, but I do not intrude. I only talk when talked to. Otherwise, I sit staring at the opposite wall in Cerbies, or I withdraw myself to someplace secret and pretty that I found and immediately loved.

The place I am sitting in now is some such place. It is very small and simple, where vegetation is lush and boulders litter. Most likely there was a rockslide here, but I don't think it's dangerous in any way. People do come and go, they see me, yes, but the fact is, this place is peaceful and the kind of place I could curl up and fall asleep in for a long, long time.

The reason I've been staying in Cerbies is, of course, because of Seph. Because he is there, I am tied there. But today, I felt a little like stretching my legs and going to some place fresh and different, and that was when I remembered here. I found it when I was attending a raid, and immediately fell in love with it, and sadly parted with it as I returned to Cerbies to watch over my love. So I came back today, to bond with this wonderful place. This wonderful, secluded place.

I'm sure it won't hurt to just close my eyes and doze for a while. Maybe if it's just a little doze, Balthazar won't haunt my dreams again.

...I know. I haven't written in a long time. My insides seem to have been polluted, just by the memory of Balthazar's voice booming across the lands, calling us cowards. And the shameful memory that I just collapsed, running and running - collapsed without actually doing anything, without even my armour on.

Yes, I have not been feeling well lately. I don't think it's the cursed illness that I suffer from frequently. I just think it's an aftermath of having the knowledge that Balthazar was very, very near that day. I also saw Seph again, but I didn't have the heart to open up to him, and I felt withdrawn, and I insisted on resting soon afterwards.

Lug was pondering out loud, comparing his mother and Balthazar. Balthazar is definitely worse. I don't even have to meet his mother to make that comparison - who and what can be worse than Balthazar?

I'm not sure if I'll be writing frequently in here for a while. As I said, I feel polluted inside. Almost like I'm afraid I'll pollute these pages as well.

I saw him again. Finally. He just walked into Cerbie's like he'd always done before, and when I heard Skyls and Az say hello to him, I couldn't believe my ears. But he was there, completely solid and real, and strangely everyone seemed to filter away. He took me in his arms, took my hand and watched over me while I slept. And now I can't get myself away from the Grill! It's surreal...very surreal. But now, the weight on my heart seems to be lifted now that I've seen the love of my life again. And though we may wake at separate times, we can always have the joy of looking upon each other's sleeping features when we do.

I've found myself thinking back recently to how giggly and bouncy I used to be. Like that one time when Skyls took me to Bran, a very long time ago in fact, and I couldn't stop giggling or laughing and I ran from place to place, not waiting for him to catch up and ending up an exhausted lump sitting in the inn. I used to have a lot of fun like that, always energetic and bubbly and most likely very annoying. And then sis once told me that I had grown up a lot, mentally. I guess I can see what she means now, since I can no longer imagine dashing about and giggling and bouncing like I used to.

Ah, well...good times. These are all good times. Especially now that Seph is with me again.

The advantage of the cannon, is that takes you to places that you would never dream of going by foot. I don't know where I am, or if I like it or not, but it fascinates me, and holds me captive. And besides, I've got someone selling wonderful enchanters' trinkets beside me, so I've got company.

I'm sitting on what seems like the battlements of a huge wall. The panorama is...impossible to describe, but I can try:

To the west stretches a long, wide sheet of pale yellow - the whole, entire desert, stretched out before me like the sheet of a bed, ready to be crinkled up and wrinkled from a sleeping body. The mountains are only tiny little lumps in the distance, as if I could reach out and pick them up one by one.

To the east...to the east is absolute horror. It is a twisted, ebony land that is filled with demons and large growths. The terrible creatures try to climb this large, wide wall, but they cannot. My perch seems to be an area of safety.

Then, right against the horizon, I see a large range of mountains, further away from the horrible, ebony land. But they're even tinier and further away, like tiny little broken pieces of rock.

And now I twist around to look towards the southeast, towards the large, glittering ocean. I swear I see a beautiful, white city - shining and glimmering in Sunrifter's light, but maybe the distance is playing tricks on my eyes. I can't help but wonder that, if it is real, what it is and where it is and if I can get to it.

To the south, the battlements have collapsed. I don't know what caused it, but I can sort of make out a crater that may have been caused by a meteor. I'm glad that the battlements on the east haven't been broken down. If they were...I wouldn't be safe up here, would I?

Then there's a door to the north. A very nice lady who I recall was called Edenn chatted with me for a bit and tried to see if it was open before slipping off. It wasn't, and I feel slightly curious as to what is behind that object. Maybe some other day...

But the name, Edenn, brings back thoughts of Seph. I wish he could see this with me - he might have already done so - and sit with me so that together we could look upon this stretch of many different lands put together.

It's so crowded here. I feel small and overwhelmed and inferior, surrounded by all these people who know what they're doing and what they're doing it for. Even now, I envy Soleil and Octavia for being able to be petty and pretty and live a completely different life from the one I'm leading.

The cheeky rogue returned again, as obnoxious as he ever was. At least some things remain the same in these lands. It's a comfort, I suppose.

Believe me, I am not happy with my life right now. It's very lacking and unfulfilled. I feel like I should train and make something out of it, but I don't want to. Not only can I be stubborn when I'm needed to be, I can be stubborn when I really, really shouldn't be.

Times like this remind me that I am only Ermin. I am only Ermin and nobody else. I'm not who I think I am, I don't try to help because I'm kind, I don't make new friends because I want a bit of companionship - I do all that because I'm helplessly desperate. And what's left me like this? Love, I guess. It's all about love nowadays. I'm left like this because time and fate decide to play cruel tricks by separating me and Seph from each other and dammit, I'm tired. I'm tired of all this. I'm one step away from...from...exploding.

I hate

Everything's been perfectly fine.

I thought of an old pain recently. An old ache that's been haunting me for a long while. It suddenly came to me that maybe I wasn't the victim I thought I was. I'm certainly not now - I understand why it happened now, and why he did what he did and why she did what she did. I understand completely that it was my fault.

I also understand how she felt about me and Seph. I understand why she called me names and cursed me. I understand that she suffered the same way that I did, and now I don't feel so angry and hateful towards her anymore.

So I've decided...why not just forgive and forget?

All I do nowadays is sit in the Grill and do nothing. I don't train or anything - even though I know Seph is up and around and fighting for experience so he can go to the trainer. In support, I merely sit and sleep and have my nightmares. Oh, aren't I such an excitement?

So, to lighten up things a bit, I went and bought an ArmourMod from the bazaar. Turns out I didn't look noble enough for the thing, so Heralda kept poking at me not to use it. It irritated me, so I didn't even say a word before stalking off.

Syngen also levelled today. I'm glad - at least he's getting somewhere with his training. Maybe I should take a leaf out of his book. I dunno.

I feel angry.

I met a quiet woman called Starling today. As I assumed from being quiet, she was also shy, but in a nice, endearing way. I think I've developped a sort of affection I feel for rogues, what with sis, Trip and all my other roguish friends. They all seem to have...big hearts, despite their profession.

Mind you, nearly all the people I know in Valorn have big hearts. It isn't really something new for me - it's just nice to know that there are more than I expected, y'know?

I feel very tired. I've been dreaming a lot recently - very blurred, vague dreams of walking through crumbly ruins. It always ends where I see a lone branch sprouting out of the ground, dripping blood. You'd think it was a bit late for me to be having nightmares about that particular object, but I am, and I can't help it.

I have to sleep sometime, though...